My Intertwined Children. Part 1

By MissyBoo On August 29, 2008 · Leave a Comment · In abu dhabi, Kai, my intertwined children, precious moments, Uncategorized

As I head towards Kai’s 4th Birthday, some bloggers are having sad anniversaries, and others are beginning this sad journey. I started this blog after blogging The Empty Chair as I felt I needed to write Kai’s story again with a new perspective.

I wrote it at the time, blow by blow, and some of you went on the journey with me. The support I received over the internet was by far the most beneficial. My internet friends allowed me to say what I couldn’t say to my friends and family, they allowed me to whine about those that tried so hard but just didn’t get it, and most of all they questioned and didn’t avoid the topic.

Someone recently commented that the 4th anniversary seemed harder, is it because the children that follow angels are a bit more independent giving us time to reflect, or is it because the pain isn’t quite so raw that we allow ourselves to reflect more?

It’s not just the story of Kai, it’s also intertwined with the being of Boo.

Four years ago today
I was living in Abu Dhabi, I was about 8 weeks pregnant and unmarried. I had a brief encounter with my ex-boyfriend.

This is completely against Sharia Law (or Islamic Laws), it results in a jail sentence until the baby is born, and then a deportation, with or without the baby. As a westerner, you have the luxury of being able to afford an airfare and leave the country, many expats in the Emirates do not earn enough to pay for an airfare.

As you can imagine, my pregnancy was kept very quiet. My flatmate and another close friend knew, and my boss knew (just in case I miscarried or something untoward and needed to just get on a plane). When you’re a party girl, that enjoyed the odd alcoholic beverage its very hard to explain to your mates why you’re having a quiet night in, or why your not drinking, or why you’ll drive everyone home from the party in Dubai…

I do remember bursting into tears at this time, and sharing my fears with my wonderful flatmate that something was wrong with this baby. I had that gut feeling that something was wrong from the time I found out I was pregnant. It was a sense of dread. I thought it was just being an overanxious midwife and knowing what can go wrong, but I didn’t feel this way when pregnant with Boo.

Three years ago today
I was 7-8 months pregnant with a healthy baby. I was huge and happy. I was past most of the dangers. I was nesting, preparing the baby’s room and looking forward to meeting my little person.

I was still grieving and missing my little man, but I had hope and optimism on my side. This baby may not replace Kai, but it certainly helped take away some of the pain.

I was feeling so optimistic, I managed to return to midwifery. The panic I had entering the hospital where Kai was born was gone. I was once again able to share people’s joy at giving birth to a healthy newborn. And healthy newborns didn’t send me into a flood of anxiety and tears over what I didn’t have…

I hated when people asked me if this was my first, mostly I’d answer yes despite every fibre of my being shouting NO!!! It was like I was denying Kai’s existence and I felt I was betraying him.

To be continued…

0 Responses to My Intertwined Children. Part 1

Alison says:

August 30, 2008 at 03:43

We are fast approaching an anniversary of our own and even though I have never lost a child to death, I so relate to the fresh pain that rises as we dare to reflect a little deeper.

Thanks for the to be continued – I was holding my breath through that post and I’m glad for a break in order to process this post properly.
((hugs))

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jeanie says:

August 30, 2008 at 20:50

M&B – lots of hugs to you, darling.

I can only imagine the ongoing pain of losing a child, and remember well how it all unfolded at the time.

I know how precious Kai was for you and your journey with him, and how his story is separate and special and needs to be acknowledged.

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tiff says:

August 31, 2008 at 06:17

Hugs.

The forth is hard. I am not sure why.

I do know though that I say I have one less child because it seems easier than explaining William to other people.

Sometimes I feel really angry with myself for not honouring him and sometimes I tell people who are strangers all about him and I don’t know why.

I think you always reflect and that it is good for the soul to do it. I didn’t know about your blog when you lost your little man but I am looking forward to hearing about him.

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M+B says:

September 1, 2008 at 01:46

Thanks ladies. I am actually good, and doing this more as showing myself how far I’ve come in the four years, and maybe if my thoughts aren’t all bottled up I’ll cope better when October comes

Al – Biggest hugs to you and the kewl girls as you approach your anniversary

Jeanie – Thank you

Tiff – I understand that anger and yes quite often its a stranger who gets to hear all about Kai.

I wasn’t blogging back then, but I belong to a wonderful, supportive forum who allowed me to share my story with them.

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Emma-Kate Castricum says:

September 1, 2008 at 23:31

Hello,

I found you through reading Melody’s blog and just wanted to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading. I can’t wait to read your ‘to be continued’

I also loved the playdates post, my husband’s siter is so anal compared to our easy going parenting. We dred days out with them because the have us eating soggy tuna rolls and watered down luke warm cordial when all we want is a bucket of chips!!

Em

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Melody says:

September 9, 2008 at 01:04

Thanks for all your words with my last couple of posts and emails M&B. You know what I have been through. You are a strength.

I have lots of reading to do on your blog as I know I can ask you anything to do with Abu Dhabi *grin* and my recent loss.

Thank you.

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M+B says:

September 9, 2008 at 23:50

Em – Thanks for dropping by I will check out your blog when I have home access again!

Melody – You are most welcome! Are you going to be in Abu Dhabi in November? Maybe we could have a play date…

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baby~amore' says:

September 15, 2008 at 01:22

Hugs to you Lani… I agree. I think we have more time to reflect on what we don’t have too.
I didn’t know they did that to foreigners too – amazing.

I know what you mean too about a new pregnancy and being asked it is your first because people assume so when they don’t see other children.It is hard to acknowledge their existence to a stranger because then we have to keep explaining and often we know the reaction we will receive or we don’t want to pursue it with a stranger.

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