My Intertwined Children. Part 6

Four Years Ago Today

The final results were in. Kai had Trisomy 13, not a mosaic Trisomy 13 where he might have had a chance of survival, but the full deal. This meant that if he survived pregnancy and birth, chances were he would not live longer than a month.

I had now had 2 weeks to digest this information, I was a midwife I knew the deal. No, I didn’t really have anymore questions. I chose to end my pregnancy.

I had spent these past few weeks staring, through tear blurred eyes at the ocean. In the car if the weather was howling with me, or on the sand when the sun was shining. I had just started a 3 month work contract, and it was keeping me extremely busy, and I was thankful for the distraction.

I know not everyone would have made this choice, and as much as I really didn’t want to part with my little boy, it seemed the right choice to make (or maybe it was the expected choice to make).

The choice was made easier by the fatality of this Trisomy. Had Kai had a non-fatal trisomy such as Down’s Syndrome, I honestly cannot tell you what my decision would have been.

I was single, in my mid-thirties, had just moved country and was a constant blubbering mess.

My grief was all consuming, but my family and friends (or the few who knew I was pregnant) and my wonderful internet friends who I could share absolutely anything with tolerated my self-indulgence and were all wonderful in their support and their love.

Kai’s father, was a wonder of support though probably not through other people’s eyes. His brief emails, and knowing the news distressed him was all I needed and more than I expected from him.

I also began to feel Kai move, and we spent many sleepless nights in bed bonding as I talked to him and let him know how much I loved him, and he’d respond with his little fluttery kick.

Three Years Ago Today

Boo was due in less than 3 weeks. I was now really anxious that she would choose to arrive on Kai’s birthday. I was trying hard to find ways to see the positives if that occurred. I couldn’t really find any that convinced me they were positives!!!

I hoped and prayed she would be born before then to try and avoid the grief, and I do remember contracting 5-10 minutely all night one night around this time with nothing eventuating.

Today

I went to see the Genetic Counsellor (whose office is on the floor above mine) to ask if anything untoward was seen on the nuchal translucency scan that would have resulted in the Professor coming in. No, there was nothing reported, so maybe it was just coincidental and in my paranoia I imagined more. But I’m proud that I have dealt with the one thing that has bugged me for four years now…

To be continued…