Conversations with friends

By MissyBoo On December 14, 2008 · Leave a Comment · In Kai, precious moments, Uncategorized

Yesterday, we hung out with two of my bestest friends, K & A, their husbands and their children.

We started at 3pm to have a pre-Christmas get together.

We The big girls finished at 3am, the big boys fell asleep around 11pm after we had the kids all tucked up…

And yes, it was us big girls who bathed and bedded the children, and the big boys had the hard task of cooking the sausages and keeping us plied with cocktails!

K’s brother-in-law was tragically killed in a work place accident a couple of weeks ago, which for her has brought a lot of souls searching, and a lot of looking at what would happen to her children if anything happened to her.

So with a cocktail fuelled discussion into the wee small hours, we went along the path with her. She knows her partner’s time with their kids is limited and his tolerance level of the children is lower than average.

A and I were sworn to promise that we would be heavily involved in the care and decisions relating to her children if anything should happen to her. She was concerned that her partner would ask for help and lean on people that would not know what she really wanted for her children, or people that didn’t know her like we do.

Over the past couple of weeks, her and her partner have discussed this at length and she has asked him to accept any help A and I would offer, and for us to be involved in any decisions he makes regarding the children’s upbringing.

Wow! What a huge responsibility, but what an honour to know that a friend values you that immensely.

Of course, I was questioned about what plans I had in place for Boo. I have a Will bequeathing her care to my parents, or in the event they are incapable, my brother and sister-in-law. It was the perfect opportunity to make sure my friends knew how much I need them to fight back, if anything happened to me, and FW contested my Will for Boo’s custody.

With discussions revolving about death and dying, what to say, what to do. The conversation came around to Kai. Both K & A, feel they didn’t do enough at the time. These are people that will talk about Kai with me, experienced grief with me, let me sob when I needed to, and were there when it counted. I am eternally grateful to them.

Last night they shared their grief about, Kai. K is carrying deep regrets that she never came and saw Kai, that she never got to hold or touch him, that she missed her opportunity, and that at the time she was too afraid to see him.

Having done a lot of work with pregnancy loss prior to Kai’s birth, I had extended an invitation to my close family and friends to see him if they wished. I didn’t want anybody who felt they wanted to meet Kai to be excluded.

K feels she let me down by not taking up the offer. She definately did not… she did everything I would want of a friend. K is very, very angry with Kai, for leaving us because there is no-one else she can be angry with!

A was pregnant with me, she was angry and sad at the time that her pregnancy/new mum buddy had been snatched from her.

Being in my selfish pit of grief and despair at the time, I never took the time to think about just how much Kai’s little spirit effected the other people who loved us. In fact until last night I was still unaware of the full extent this tiny little being had effected my freinds.

I am honoured to have these two people in my life, and I love them almost as much as I love Boo!

0 Responses to Conversations with friends

Dina says:

December 14, 2008 at 17:32

Sounds like there was a lot of deep profound conversations.

I think when a tragedy happens, it effects a lot more people than we imagine. Of course, it effects the immediate family the most. But it effects extended family, friends…even people who just hear about it in passing.

I’m very sorry for your loss, btw.

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Alison says:

December 15, 2008 at 02:06

Nothing in the world like the love of close friends
The moments you describe – the ones shared with people close to us after a traumatic event and the way it makes us think deeper about the whole ‘life’ thing – I so get that.
Thanks for sharing this Lani. Selfishly, it is nice to know I’m not the only one with these thoughts/questions.

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Guera says:

December 15, 2008 at 03:51

((hugs))
Those sorts of conversations are so important. Often I think we assume our feelings and wishes are understood by those close to us, but without spelling it out, maybe they wouldn’t have the courage and conviction to fight for what you want if necessary.

I’m so glad you have friends like that – for your sake and Boo’s.

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Trish says:

December 15, 2008 at 12:58

(hugs) what special friends you have Lani… keepers.

I am going to say what Dina said – very profound stuff and deeply soul searching.It does need to be talked about …how do we know ?

There is so much I would to say but it’s your blog.

I think about this often lately after reading blogs lately with so much sadness and parents dying.

My cousin died from ovarian cancer/bowel leaving 6 children aged 4 to 18 (6 years ago) …the youngest she made plans for with a close friend who unfortunately wasn’t able to fulfil those wishes and the promises she made to my cousin.

The poor little girl was so stuffed around by people who should have loved and cherished her.It lasted 5 years.
Finally …the last year she has been in the solid care of people who love her.Though her mother would never have imagined this.

On Kai … how precious your friends are /were . I deeply regret I didn’t want anyone to see Charlotte or me. I was so distressed I couldn’t think beyond my own needs .. so you are not alone.Certainly not selfish at all.

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Iris Flavia says:

December 15, 2008 at 15:37

“Doing enough” is so hard to do for the ones who want to help.

Good that you finally found the opportunity to clear this up.
It such a hurtful subject.
Great you have friends like that!

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LceeL says:

December 15, 2008 at 17:29

It’s your friends, the people around you who know you and care about you, that make the biggest difference when all else is said and done.

Or, like my Grampa used to say, “A friend is someone who knows EVERYTHING about you … and likes you anyway.”

Thank God for friends.

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M+B says:

December 17, 2008 at 05:30

Dina – Thank you for dropping by Certainly some profound conversations were had!

Alison – I think we all have those thoughts and questions. They are still on my mind so I think thats why I blogged them???

Guera – I agree, at least the three of us are all now aware of what wishes we have for our children if anything should happen to us.

Trish – How dreadful for that little girl. I am so glad she now has some solid care, though it will be hard to undo the damage of the past 5 years.

I am so glad that they felt they could now share how the life of Kai impacted them, or I would never really have known.

Iris – Wonderful friends

Lou – Indeed thank god for friends… warts and all!

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